...if that carousel were powered by a 747 and adderall.

"Nostalgic Christmas" is a lot. Like, A LOT. Every Hallmark movie trope you love? It's here: woman leaves her fast-paced job in the city to move back home to the country? Check. Town gathering for a Christmas tree lighting? Check. Christmas pageant? Check. Dead spouse or parent? Check, check, and check. This movie comes on like a freight train from the first minute and just. does. not. let. up. Just an assault on the senses. Simultaneously a drinking game and a Christmas fever dream to end all fever dreams.

Two minutes in and we learn that Anne Garrison has a career in the city, her dad lives in a tiny town, her mom is dead, dad wants to close his toy store, sell the house... I can't even with this - did I say two minutes? The first minute of this movie is just the credits. ALL ABOARD!

Anne works as a toy purchaser for one of those corporate, stuffy, toy store chains which are apparently still things in this Amazon-less universe, and she's pitching her newest product suggestion to the board - a bluetooth and wifi-enabled stuffed horse. Christmas is in like two weeks! How are you going to get these on the shelves? Please make this end. NEXT STOP, SMALLTOWN!

Anne arrives home, and she needs to help her dad sell his toy store - he's getting on in years, he'd like to move closer to his kids in the city. Dad has already gone through the stages of grief over this store and is at "acceptance", but luckily Anne is here to both force him to go through everything all over again ("But the memories!"),and to meet an old high-school boyfriend that'll list the store for sale. While Anne is sending those mixed signals, GET ON BOARD! CHOO-CHOO!

Discount Channing Tatum ("Keith") is standing at the kitchen counter speaking with his daughter Jessie, and because we don't meet mom right away, and because there's nothing Hallmark loves more than kids being a heartbeat away from the orphanage, it's a safe bet that mom won't be joining us for Christmas. Drink! Jessie needs to pick a song to sing at the town Christmas pageant. WOO WOO! PAGEANT TRYOUTS, ALL ABOARD!

Dad and Jessie start the walk to school when Jessie realizes she forgot to buy a toy for the Christmas pageant, when as kismet would have it, they're standing in front of Garrison's Toys. Keith takes no time at all to let us know that they don't make toys like this anymore, and that Anne has wasted her life with toys he has no time for. Wi-fi?! I don't need toys to send me emails! Where's my axe? CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! DRINK!

By-the-by: between the four of Anne, her dad, Jessie, and Keith, Keith is the only one we don't see doing any woodworking in this movie) BACK ON THE TRAIN!

I don't even think there's been a commercial break yet, and we still have to get to the mystery of the missing 40' Christmas tree (spoilers: it goes unsolved),a Christmas tree decorating montage, another dead spouse, the town Christmas tree lighting, Anne re-discovering her passion for woodworking, Mrs. Wentzell closing the old mill and threatening the town economy, and the lines "I need nature. I was born to be a lumberjack."

I don't even know how to finish here - this movie just left me in such a state of bewilderment. Six stars. Would have been higher, but we were robbed of the phone call to the police where the stolen Christmas tree was reported. "Yes officer... yes, forty feet. Shaped like a Christmas tree. That's right... well, let me know if you develop any leads."

And I didn't even mention the hundreds of miniature Santa carvings...

Score card:

• big city girl moving back home to the country - 1x

• tree lighting - 30x (not a typo)

• singing while decorating the tree - 1x

• Christmas pageant - 1x

• Christmas cookies - 1x

• "Christmas miracle" said out loud - 1x

• dead spouse/parent - 3x(!),a Hallmark first

Hallmark are very variable when it comes to their Christmas offerings. Some are surprisingly good and did impress me, as long as one does not expect anything award worthy (it's not that kind of film). Some are decent. Some are mediocre at best. Some are very bad. And then there are some that are in between. While the story did not sound like anything special and uses a familiar setting, Brooke D'Orsay has been good in other things so thought to myself why not give it a go?

There were no regrets watching 'Nostalgic Christmas', regret is a very rare emotion actually after watching a Hallmark Christmas film. At the same time, it was pretty much what was expected from reading the synopsis and from watching many other Hallmark Christmas films. Meaning that expectations were mixed prior to watching and my feelings on 'Nostalgic Christmas' were pretty much mixed as well, a few of the flaws being common with Hallmark.

'Nostalgic Christmas' does have good things. Is a nice-looking film, the scenery being especially attractive. The music is suitably festive and doesn't overbear, the use of old favourite Christmas songs/carols didn't come over as too obvious or over-the-top nor inappropriate for the scenes. The film does have its charms and it doesn't get too over-serious or jokey.

D'Orsay is a charmer in the female lead role, as a character that endears and doesn't have too many negative traits exaggerated. The supporting cast are better than average.

Was less keen however on Trevor Donovan. He definitely has lovely moments but is a little too lightweight and not always at ease in a fairly dull and cliched role (a very familiar type of character for Hallmark). Was a bit mixed on the chemistry between him and D'Orsay, it is sweet and genuine later on but it took too long for it to get to that stage. The script tends to have a lot of cheese and schmaltz and the supporting characters are basically Hallmark cliches.

It's the story and pace where 'Nostalgic Christmas' most fails. The story is more eventful in 'Nostalgic Christmas' than the ones in most Hallmark Christmas films, it did feel like there was too much crammed in and not all of it was necessary. The pageant and mill subplots could have been excised, as they didn't engage that much, and it would have meant that the central relationship would have had more time to breathe and develop. It was also excessively predictable throughout, from following the most standard of Hallmark plot formulas and doing nothing new with it or the kitchen sink of Hallmark plot and character tropes and cliches. The pace is erratic, starting off quite routine and aimlessly and then feeling too hurried in the final third. The ending is far too rushed and contrived and while the toy setting was nice and nostalgic to look at, again it's familiar territory done with no freshness.

Concluding, mixed feelings. 5/10.

I can't decide whether Trevor Donovan's nose is the most perfect thing I've ever seen or not? Either way, he is now my new boyfriend, but don't tell him yet! He is adorable in this film, but I couldn't connect with the lead female as her Face reminded me of someone I'm keen to forget.

The story is a bit watered down and follows the usual pattern, but it's not a bad film at all.

I loved the carved Father Christmases and I thought the Dad was played very well, although he was called Mr Garrison, which just reminded me of the creepy teacher from South Park.

It has a real seasonal vibe, with all the typical activities, so it wins points for that and I'm probably scoring it higher because of my new boyfriend Trevor, but I don't care.