Cemetery Girls, Vampire Hookers of Horror, Night of the Bloodsuckers, Sensuous Vampires and Twice Bitten. Whatever name we give this co-production of the Philippines and the United States - directed by the infamous Cirio H. Santiago - we can all appreciate that John Carradine plays the vampire Richmond Reed, who has hired a gang of women to draw in new blood for his veins.

Suzy (Lenka Novak, who made her first living as a nude model in Europe, appeared in Mayfair and had a brief career in films like Moonshine County Express and as one of the naked women in "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble" in The Kentucky Fried Movie),Cherish (Karen Stride, Three-Way Weekend) and Marcy (Katie Dolan, one and done with this movie) are the girls and yeah, you can see that Richmond Reed is a man with a great plan.

Vampire Hookers was written by Howard R. Cohen, who may have only lived 56 years on this planet, but still found the time and energy to be a party joke editor for Playboy, write books and also write Unholy Rollers, Stryker and episodes of The Care Bears and Rainbow Brite, as well as direct Saturday the 14th, Saturday the 14th Strikes Back and Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans.

Sure, the movie isn't great, but it did teach me that John Carradine's real name is Richmond Reed Carradine.

I haven't figured out yet whether "Vampire Hookers" is the most retarded movie of all times, but I can most certainly confirm already that it earned a spot in the top ten for sure. Basically this means that I cannot possibly reward it with a rating higher than 2 out of 10, but – and this is contrary to all genuine bad movies with a similar rating – I don't want the rating to discourage anyone from watching it! Quite the opposite, in fact, "Vampire Hookers" comes with my warmest recommendation in case you're an avid fan of cheap and sleazy 70s exploitation cinema. Why? Simply because it's pure brainless and unscrupulous entertainment with a non- existent plot, lunatic characters, infantile toilet humor and gratuitous sex; that's why! Cirio H. Santiago was the contemporary king of Filipino exploitation rubbish and here he even managed to cast John Carradine in a top-billing role. However, like in most of the films released during the last decade of his career, he only just stands around with a disinterested look on his face and whines his lines almost inaudibly. He depicts a sort of fancy white-suited vampire patriarch living underneath a graveyard in a Filipina coastal town, together with his three beautiful, luscious and voluptuous…err…brides! They have local slaves, aspiring vampires actually, that lure horny men to the graveyard so that they can feast on their bodies and blood. When their supervisor doesn't return after a wild night of fun, two worried Navy Sailors start their own investigation. The screenplay of this lousy but charming flick is full of bad jokes, but you'll laugh out loud anyway because the comical situations are so cheesy, inappropriate and misfit. The type of humor featuring in "Vampire Hookers" is probably best illustrated through the character of the exploitation regular Vic Diaz. He plays a fat and filthy henchman who farts continuously, and when he discovers he finally receives vampire fangs, he gets so ecstatic and jumpy that the walls of the entire underground lair come tumbling down. Also, and this is truly remarkable, Cirio H. Santiago proves with "Vampire Hookers" that even 10-minute sex orgies featuring three beautiful women can be overlong and boring; especially when they keep their panties on!

Take one word from group A (Ninja, Robo, Samurai, Vigilante, Zombie, Vampire, Alien, Cyborg, Barbarian) and one from group B (Cop, Princess, Assassins, Hookers, Warriors, Strikeforce, Muthaf***kers) and you'll have yourself a movie title that sounds awesome. Get Ciro H. Santiago to direct it, and it'll be crap.

Vampire Hookers, for example, has the potential to be a hugely entertaining piece of bloody, sexy schlock horror; in the hands of Santiago, though, the idea becomes a dreadfully unfunny camp comedy/horror full of juvenile humour (bumbling 'Abbot & Costello' type sailors; a flatulent vampire; lady-boy gags),embarrassing performances (poor old John Carradine as a poetry spouting vamp),and cheap props (styrofoam 'stone' blocks),but zero gore.

About the only thing Cirio does right is to cast three absolute stunners as his titular ladies of the night and get them naked a lot—although, somehow, he even manages to botch a scene in which the lusty bloodsucking babes tag-team a lucky sailor: torturously long and amazingly unerotic, it's hard to believe that anyone can make a three-on-one sex session seem so boring!