"Die Sex-Abenteuer der drei Musketiere" or "The Three Musketeers and Their Sexual Adventures" is a West German German-language movie from 1971, so this one had its 45th anniversary last year. The writer and director is Erwin C. Dietrich, the infamous Swiss filmmaker who also worked with Jesús Franco on many occasions. But when he did not then the thriller/horror element is not existent in his works, like in this one here. This is really all about the sex and the comedy. Sadly, the sex is not inspiring and the comedy is never funny. The good thing is that basically every guy no matter which hair color he prefers will see something that suits his taste. The sad thing is that honestly all the girls in here with 2-3 exceptions max look really wasted unaesthetic and downright slutty. Huge turn-off and as this is the case the fact that they are almost always naked is not helping matters at all. The film runs for slightly over 80 minutes and at this runtime, it dragged a lot. Story, good acting and convincing plot developments / performances are basically non-existent from start to finish. The most known cast member is probably Ingrid Steegr who sure was/is voluptuous, but this is far from enough to let me recommend this mess of a movie. Certainly one of Dietrich's worst and that says quite something. Stay far far away.

D'Artagnan is on his way to join the musketeers, only to find out to his disappointment that their life is more a life of debauchery than one of heroic deeds. That is the idea underlying this film, and as far as ideas for sex films go it is a fairly good one. Sadly, this is just about the only 'fairly good' thing about this movie.

The content had not been developed beyond that initial idea and so neither d'Artagnan nor the movie are really going anywhere. To fill the minutes missing from feature film length, scenes from another film (probably an unfinished one) have been edited into this flick and are sold to the viewers as stories told by the musketeers.

On the goof side, the scenes showing the musketeers riding through the woods not only fail to show the horses (except in long distance shots),indeed the camera angle allows the viewer to spot the top of the contraption on which the saddles are mounted - and it's neither alive nor moving.

It is also noticeable that the cinematographers didn't use a dolly - in this films camera movement is always in angles, the camera never follows an action.

It is difficult to know how to begin to review this hotchpotch of a disaster. This film is from the Ingrid Steeger Collection and is directed by Erwin C. Dietrich who has made a name for himself with these soft core romps. On no account can this offering be considered as one of his better efforts. The plot, what little there is of it, lacks any sort of meaningful direction and in the end goes nowhere, it just stops.

A young d'Artagnan sets off to join the Musketeers and along the way encounters several able and willing beautiful women who cannot wait to teach our would-be warrior how to wield his weapon. From the start, peasant girl Yvonne (Ingid Steeger) has her eye on him and has a couple of romps in the corn field. The three Musketeers also get their share of female flesh with the barmaids and later with the Countess, who does not seem at all put out that they have just killed her husband. Oh well, c'est la vie! The most notable encounter for d'Artagnan is his first time with the voluptuous Gypsy girl who exhibits an exotic sensuality as well as her body. However, despite the willingness of the women to get naked, there is a certain coyness to the nude scenes wherein there are strategically placed blankets or foliage to obscure the nudity.

Although appearing to be shot on location and using stunning panoramic vistas, the whole production smacks of cheapness with goofs galore. The music sounds like a jazzed-up harpsichord and electric organ. The sex action consists of a lot of writhing and bouncing about and looks totally fake. Worst of all, when the Musketeers are supposed to be riding their horses, the background does not move and this same background is used for what are meant to be separate locations. There is more but enough is enough. The film stops dead in its tracks. We see the three Musketeers who are obviously not the actors (they could not get even that right) riding away and the screen goes blank. That's it, no The End, no credits, nothing - dire. Only the women who were willing to give their all are worthy of any credit, they were let down by a crass everyone else. 3 stars.