Sir Arthur Conan Doyle introduced Etienne Gerard to readers in 1894. This quixotic, delightful character has since been depicted rather disappointingly, not least in this misjudged mishmash by arty-farty Polish director Jerzy Skolimowski who has turned what the author intended as a satire into an infantile, puerile farce rendered even more ridiculous by the terminally irritating and totally incongruous score of Riz Ortolani.

Skolimowski had at least the good sense to take with him to Italy his fellow countryman Witold Sobocinski, whose camerawork is splendid. Apart from that we have a collection of thespians, some of whom should know better, making utter fools of themselves. The only one who emerges smelling of roses is the glorious Claudia Cardinale. She and Sobocinski at least warrant awarding this ludicrous opus 'deux points'.

It is supremely ironic that the adaptor here, H. A. L. Craig, turned in such an excellent script for the other Napoleonic film of that year 'Waterloo'. Grotesquely ironic is that in Skolimowski's effort the author's son Adrian is billed as 'technical advisor'. I sincerely hope that when seeing the finished film he hung his head in shame. By all accounts Skolimowski himself was disappointed with the result. Quelle surprise!

Should you listen carefully you will hear the sound of Sir Arthur turning in his grave!

The Napoleonic wars take on a comic twist with an "I'm so amusing!" attitude that makes it not quite so funny. It's history meets a combination of Mel Brooks, Monty Pyton and Benny Hill with a bit of the 40's style of the Gainsborough films thrown in. Based on stories by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle ("Sherlock Holmes"),this is obviously influenced by the success of the Oscar Winning "Tom Jones", and ends up there with later historical spoofs, "Joseph Andrews" and "Yellowbeard", which were complete disasters.

The legendary Eli Wallach is commanding as Napoleon, but his character becomes a joke from the get go with unfunny jokes about his height and made to look like a buffoon. That worked with Mel Brooks' assail on Hitler but here, it just isn't funny. Peter McEnerey plays the title character, a pompous colonel, tongue too far in cheek to be funny. Only Walkach and Claudia Cardinale as a Spanish countess are worthy of praise. The film is handsome to look at, but has a muffled sound recording that sounds like very bad dubbing.

Leonard Maltin has been overly harsh with his BOMB ratings quite a few times, but unfortunately he's not too far off the mark on this one. "The Adventures Of Gerard" comes from the "Casino Royale" (1967) school of comedy - the more money the producers spend, the funnier the film is supposed to be. It's really quite an imposing, big-scale production with lots of extras, horses, explosions, etc. But there are no laughs in it. The puzzlingly bad script is based on an Arthur Conan Doyle (Sherlock Holmes) story - I'm assuming a lot of it got botched in translation (4 different people working on the same script is usually not a good sign). Eli Wallach must be the most miscast Napoleon ever, and even the absolute goddess Claudia Cardinale cannot help this disaster much. * out of 4.