Do you love seeing your favourite WWF/WWE/TNA star battle it out against a bunch of hillbilly swamp-things? If you do, please hide your innocent mind from this giant regurgitated turd of a film...Do you want something to laugh at? Please just watch re-runs of "Friends"... Are you sadomasochistic & get pleasure out of the pain your eyes & ears experience when you watch a really horrible film? PLEASE I BEG YOU, SPARE YOURSELF FROM THIS HELL!

Alright let me calm down & explain myself before you all think I'm going off on a tangent. The premise of this story is quite simply explained; a country town (by a river- go figure) suddenly becomes plagued with a series of unexplained slayings. This is where Kurt 'the wannabe rock' Angle steps in as the simpleton hick sheriff who is entrusted with the task of solving these brutal homicides as well as expressing deep emotions at key points & delivering the correct lines from his script on cue (much like his fake wrestling persona I suppose). Anyhow, our buff sheriff with his years of detective work finds himself with no other option but to walk around town brandishing the confidential & explicit crime scene photos to every dog & his aunt in hope of, of uhmm...a confession? Heck maybe he thinks he can get the truth out of one of those demonic redneck fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer? So as the plot progresses we find out that the bodies have carvings of the term "HIX" written on them (I would make a joke out of that but I can't be stuffed),anyway the sheriff finds out that this is the last name of a weirdo recluse named Harvey Hix who headed a group of vigilantes that murdered the Jacobs brothers, played by Kevin Nash & Psycho Sid Vicious (don't worry they have no real back story other than being two 6' 10" hobos who never had pro-wrestling careers to begin with).

Actually I think that is a touch mean spirited comment by me, I should really praise all of those pro-wrestling fans out there who spend every waking moment of their lives supporting their heroes in films like this. Now enough of the sentiment & back to the plot; so the brothers have been summoned from their watery graves after 30 years because God makes rules about releasing souls after a set time so that they can exact their revenge on the townsfolk who had nothing to do with their deaths- much like how Jason Voorhees takes out his anger issues on those innocent teens at Camp Crystal Lake; actually no sorry my apologies, that exciting comparison is not what this film is like. So anyway that covers about 40 minutes into the plot & I basically daydreamed for the rest of the time so I can only assume that everything ended peacefully with enough room for a sequel.

In the very least I think it's safe to class this film as a direct-to-VHS bargain bin trash-fest. However I think that summary is a little too classy & upbeat to truly summarise this seething pile of goat spew accurately. Believe me guys I have seen some bad films; if you don't believe me just look at the list of films I have already reviewed. The actors in an Ulli Lommel film give more heartfelt, genuine performances than most of the actors in this one. Even I struggled to get through it without needing to fast forward through the horribly stagnant dialogue. I have to say without a doubt that this film was the longest 80 minutes I have ever spent watching any film. Don't even buy it if it's the price of a nickel because that metal will be worth more to humanity in the long run than this will be in an eternity!

0.5/5

I love movies of all genres, of any age, regardless of how good or bad they are. But River of Darkness doesn't deliver on any level. So far there have been some gems such as Rango, some mediocre efforts like Sanctum and some poorly conceived movies such as Battle:Los Angeles and Justin Bieber:Never Say Never. But River of Darkness is the only movie so far this year that I downright despise, it is that bad!

River of Darkness is a good example of a movie that is all style, no substance. Saying that does nothing in the film's favour, because production-values wise this film is shoddy. The scenery and sets have an appropriately Gothic look to them, but they are completely ruined by the cinematography and editing which makes the movie look as though it has been edited on a bacon slicer and the lighting which is incredibly dull.

River of Darkness fails epically in the story and writing as well. The story did have a nice arc to it on paper, but the execution was so derivative and poor one couldn't help thinking River of Darkness offers nothing new to the genre. Not one scene is believable in any way, the murders are all gore no heart no matter how marginally impressive the gore is. But that is nothing compared to the dialogue, I have heard some bad dialogue in many movies but River of Dakrness has some of the worst dialogue I have ever heard in my entire life. It is so cheesy and forced, and so clichéd and melodramatic I could not take it seriously at all.

The film's direction is incompetent. In fact the direction is so sloppy that the film could have easily had no direction whatsoever. The characters I felt nothing for whatsoever, they are written terribly and you learn next to nothing about them. The pace is languid so much so nothing comes to life. None of the actors are genuine or brings heart to their characters either.

Overall, a shoddy mess and to be avoided. 0/10 Bethany Cox

Here really isn't much to this film. Kurt plays an atheist sheriff (not that it played into the film) who is attempting to solve murders in a small river town. There really wasn't much acting, not much of a soundtrack and not much of a plot. At first I thought this was an attempt at a Christian slasher movie, but it really failed there too as the heavy religion aspect didn't play any kind of role.

As a bad or campy film, it lacks there too. The dialogue was dry. I would say avoid at all costs.

Parental Guide: No f-bombs, sex, or nudity. $3.99 for a rental? They need to pay you to watch it. This should be out on some cheap sci-fi 12 pack.