Watching a movie for camp value is a risky thing. To be sure, there are many movies that embrace their silliness and play up their camp value, but sometimes the best campy movies are the ones that take themselves too seriously without realizing that they're completely absurd to begin with. After viewing "Tale of the Mummy," and finally recognizing the virtues of an "unintentionally funny" movie, my friend and I decided to try again, this time with a movie whose title, "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" is so lame that the movie could only be campy fun...or so we thought.

Putting it bluntly, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. No amount of alcohol or other substance can bring out any entertainment value from this piece of crap. The acting is awful, the dialogue is a waste of printer paper, the special effects are an embarrassment, and worst of all, the movie doesn't make any sense. We hardly ever get to see the headlining stars, and when we do, they're just crude CGI effects that are repeated over and over again.

I'd describe the plot, but there it isn't coherent enough to begin with. All that I can tell you is that an ancient species of shark, the Megalodon (an actual species of shark, and that's the only thing that this movie gets right) and a king-sized octopus (that looks more like a squid) were found locked in battle in a giant ice cube. Somehow, they escape, and start terrorizing Japan and San Francisco. Now, it's up to three scientists to stop them.

The acting is awful. 80's pop star Deborah Gibson fares the best, although that's hardly praise. Vic Chao is horrible as her newfound love interest. Surprisingly, this is the only plot line that is coherent, and judging by how much we hate these two characters, that's not a good thing. Lorenzo Lamas is the worst of the lot as the idiot military guy, who wants to blow everything away instead of listening to the scientists (which, judging by their plan, is probably the smarter thing to do, except the movie expects us to sympathize with the moronic scientists...I guess gung-ho military types aren't all that bad).

This is what happens when you make a 200 million dollar epic for less than a dime. Camera shots are obviously repeated (sometimes the monsters are left out of a shot when they're supposed to be destroying something),the acting is grating, and the dialogue is cringe inducing. Even the extras look embarrassed, and they don't say anything. One could argue that this film might have worked with a bigger budget. The truth of the matter is, however creatively bankrupt Hollywood is, no one in the right mind would read this script without first running it through the paper shredder and burning all remnants of its existence.

Words cannot adequately describe how awful this movie is. Physical pain is almost pleasurable compared to the agony that this movie causes. This movie is hard to find, but it should be impossible. This movie should have never been made.

This film cannot be taken seriously. My rating applies merely to the acting, special effects and plot of the film. If you were to watch this film drunk it would be the greatest film ever, sadly i didn't. I learned many things from watching this film;

• If you are getting married the next day, then don't fly

• Sharks can jump 30,000 feet out of the water

• The Golden Gate bridge vs Megalodon = no contest

• Sharks can travel at 500 knots but Submarines can outrun them

• Oil Rig vs Octopus = only one winner

• Jet vs octopus = take a guess

• The US naval fleet would last approximately 10 seconds against an octopus

• If a gap is 25 metres wide, a submarine is 22.5 metres wide and a shark is 4 times wider than the submarine, will the shark make it through the gap = Easily

• It took 3 scientists a day to work out that a tooth was in fact a tooth

• If it doesn't appear on the radar then it is terminated, end of!

• The blonde woman in it is hot and easy

This is one incredibly bad direct to video monster flick (though "bad direct to video monster flick" is probably a redundant term). It has all the classic earmark of the worst DTV has to offer--horrible screenplay, idiotic dialog, lots of talking in lieu of action, that incredibly annoying "avid fart" digital editing, bad grade z cast, Ed Wood level acting and directing, and GC effects that any grade schooler would almost be proud of. Now, this piece of S could have been entertaining despite the abundance of retarded MST3K-worthy acting, writing and direction if ONLY they had sprung for more than five minutes of footage featuring the title monsters. Imagine if King Kong V Godzilla had only featured the title monsters in short three to five second blips and the all out battle between them takes all of eleven seconds from start to finish. Now double how much that would suck and that would be the equivalent of this "film."

To sum up--and incredibly bad, incredibly amateur hunk of junk that would be moronically entertaining if it just weren't so damned boring.