I was given a free ticket to this film; so I can't complain that I was ripped off (except in that some 90 minutes of my life were irretrievably stolen from me). These sort of movies (Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans) haven't been funny for some time now but "Disaster Movie" has reached a new low. There wasn't one real laugh anywhere in the film, and most of the alleged "jokes" were actually painful. (There was a considerable amount of childish, mean-spirited stuff in the form of racist, sexist, and especially homophobic, garbage present, along with ample helpings of juvenile gross-outs.) None of the actors were even bothering to put up any pretense of acting. There is nothing hip, clever, or even mildly intelligent going on here. The entire film is from beginning to end crass, vulgar, irrational, and utterly humorless in any human sense. I know that in the past these sort of trash has made enough money to keep Seltzer et al., grinding them out but "Disaster Movie" may just be the downfall of the franchise. The utter contempt that Seltzer and his collaborators have for their audience is finally beginning to show through clearly. If this one fails (and from what I saw in the almost empty theater there is a good chance of it),Seltzer will have to go back to the drawing board, stop making these lazy catastrophes, and finally develop a real sense of humor. This movie is an unfunny piece of puke - stay away from it.

This film begins in 100001 BC and we see a caveman fall into a pile of Wooly Mammoth crap. Then, he's attacked by a guy who looks like he's from "American Gladiators" and then an Amy Winehouse look-a-like with fangs. Then he awakens and a Flavor Flav lookalike is in bed with him and his girlfriend in the present. Shortly after this, a dwarf exits the bed and gives the leading man the finger. While parody is supposed to be silly, these images are so random you wonder if the film was written or they just took darts and threw them at story ideas--all very, very fast and all which fell completely flat--and many of which were just very, very crude to hide that it wasn't funny. And this, in a nutshell, is what follows for the next 90 or so minutes--one supposed parody after another after another--none of which made me laugh.

Here are my suggestions should they want to make another "Disaster Movie" or something like it:

1. Less jokes and slow down so you have time to work out the parodies. Quantity is NOT better than quality. Yet, at other times, unfunny skits go on and on and on and on and they had neither quantity nor quality. The Hannah Montana and "Enchanted" bits were beaten like dead horses.

2. Hire professional writers, not squirrels. I know they work cheap, but humor is NOT their forte.

3. Jokes about performing abortions with coat hangers aren't funny. The film DID this and I am sure the entire theater when deadly silent. Like cancer and 9-11, this is NOT a good topic for comedy.

4. Jokes involving dwarfs can work, but generally not. Unless you can get Mini-Me, don't bother.

5. Find talented actors and people who really can do parodies. It would also help if they vaguely look like the subject of the parody. Some did, many did not (like Hannah Montana).

6. "I just s#%$ myself" is not a particularly funny line. Avoid it.

7. Same goes for "suck on my placenta". Not funny.

8. Keep the "Enchanted" stuff--it's not great but compared to the rest of the film, it's gold. Just shorten it A LOT--this skit went on way too long and became 100% stupid. In fact, it was only funny for about 30 seconds.

9. If you're gonna use a lot of actors from "Mad TV", try to get the more talented ones.

10. No poop jokes. Poop is not comedy gold. Poop is just poop.

11. No "Kunk Fu Panda". No.

12. Get rid of Alvin and the Chipmunks unless you are willing to spend more than $13 for the puppets.

13. Keep Beowulf--one of the only funny characters in the film who stayed funny throughout. He came late in the movie, though, and by then I am sure most of the patrons left the theater or killed themselves and never saw him.

14. And, speaking of kill--kill the director, producers, writers and all the actors. I'm not sure if this is legal, but I assume most judges and juries would allow this if they saw the film.

Disaster Movie gets my vote as the "new" worst movie ever made, and there have been abominations like Home Alone 4, Cat in the Hat and NeverEnding Story 3, but none of them are as terrible as this, and that is saying something. I thought Disaster Movie crude, lazy and looming towards offensive, (what they said about Amy Winehouse was bang out of order) and some of the repeated gags wore well thin before the first attempt was finished. The script was laughable, the writers display no comedic talent and there is a complete lack of laughs, and I am sorry I found the characters very annoying, Giselle especially. The acting was terrible, in all my life, I have never seen such terrible acting, and believe me, I have seen a lot of films with terrible acting. Matt Lanter and Vanessa Minillo were not only given next to nothing to work with, likewise with Tony Cox, but their performances went nowhere. Everyone else was bad too, especially Carmen Electra, whose career I am surprised isn't over yet, in every film she's in, she shows a complete lack of acting ability. The film looked as though it had been shot on a cheap studio set, and even the soundtrack was awful. Plus the title was completely irrelevant, very rarely did it spoof a disaster movie, all it did was try and be funny and failed miserably. Not even the characters spoofed here like Batman, the Chipmumks(a gross ditortion in character and more disturbing than cute and funny) and Hellboy could save this contemptible piece of excrement(I am trying to refrain from swearing, honestly I was seriously considering turning the DVD player off 20 minutes into the movie). My dad and brother told me it was very stupid, but unlike them, I am 17 by the way, I didn't find it entertaining in the least bit. If you want a good spoof try the silly but otherwise hilarious Loaded Weapon 1! Avoid this thing at all costs! I rest my case, 0/10. Bethany Cox