From the producer of 'Superman: The Movie' and 'Santa Claus: The Movie' comes what may well be the climax of a trilogy: the two-fisted tale of a lusty Genoese navigator who dared to sail the ocean blue to a New World, with a chorus, believe it or not, of Gloria in Excelsis Deo in the background. What more can be said? True guilty pleasures demand a willing suspension of good taste, and this tacky Hollywood whitewash may well stand as a classic of its kind. Screenwriter Mario Puzo tries to include as much history as he can, but the film is strictly a cartoon melodrama, complete with sword fights, romance, some pretty Atlantic Ocean sunsets and, in a casting nightmare unrivaled since Mel Gibson attempted Shakespeare, Tom Selleck and Rachel Ward playing King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella. The film was sponsored by Quinto Centenario Spain, the official Columbus 500th anniversary commemorative society, which helps explain the flattering matinée idol heroism. But, honestly, could anything else have been expected from the director of Iron Eagle II and the previous few James Bond adventures?

I do not know everything about the actual story, but I can imagine that it is more compelling than this. When I learned that this was written in part by Mario "The Godfather" Puzo, I got to hope for quality. With that said, I honestly doubt that I would have enjoyed this all that much regardless of how low my expectations were. The plot isn't all that engaging, and the pacing is uneven. This flick is simply put one of the best arguments for why you should not base viewing choices upon the cast alone. There are *amazing* actors in this, and they are utterly wasted. And several performances in this are unforgivably hammy. The special effects are painfully unconvincing. I wish I was kidding when I say that there is amateur theater with less obvious FX. Did I miss something? This was made in 1992! Did they misplace the budget? For that matter, how did the scenery get to look so bad? This is an adventure film, and that, at least in this case, means fight sequences. They're decent, but if you're looking for that, you can find far superior ones easily. There is some female nudity in this, for anyone that attracts or repels. I recommend this solely to history teachers who have a severe grudge against their students. 5/10

If any story should make a fascinating movie, it's the story of Columbus: a voyage across the ocean and landing on a hitherto unknown continent. His colonization of the Americas set the stage for Europe's domination of the world.

So how did they make such a lame-brained movie about it? Let's see: they cast Tom Selleck as King Ferdinand (whose idea was that?!) and gave the characters lines that sound more like something out of an Ed Wood movie. I understand that the Indians were initially planning to protest "Christopher Columbus: The Discovery", but when they saw how moronic it was, they realized that there was no need to protest it! The real irony is seeing Marlon Brando in the movie. He had come out in support of the American Indian Movement and famously sent a woman dressed in tribal regalia to accept his Oscar for "The Godfather". So why did he star in this?

Basically, you'll feel tempted to make the sorts of comments that Mike, Servo and Crow hurl at the crummy movies on "Mystery Science Theater 3000". While the characters were walking through what appeared to be a torture chamber, I said "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" If you ask me, something that should get emphasized is the expulsion of the Jews and Muslims from Spain, and how the confiscation of their property financed the expeditions to the Americas. To say nothing of the Inquisition itself.

If the movie has any points of interest, it's the early appearances of Catherine Zeta-Jones and Benicio Del Toro. Everyone had to start somewhere. Nonetheless, the best movie dealing with Columbus's landing on Hispaniola (NOT discovery) is "Even the Rain". I also recommend James Loewen's book "Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong".