The nearest screening to me was over twenty miles away, but I riverdanced the whole way there to show support and I don't regret a single broken bone.

If I was Michael Flatley, I would just stare into a mirror all day and bestow glory unto myself, but this film is the next best thing.

Lord Michael plays Victor Blackley, a sort of MI6-but-Irish super-spy thingy who retires for a quiet life of nightclubbing in the tropics. Unfortunately, he is pestered by beautiful women and bad men who want to hurt him because they're jealous. Imagine James Bond in Casablanca, only better. King Michael's acting puts 'movie stars' like Daniel Craig, Tom Cruise and Jaden Smith to shame. Nobody wears a hat like Flatley.

The cinematography is visible, the score is full of brand new notes and the script is bursting with the best words currently available. The costumes are beautifully ironed. I left the cinema exhilarated. The rest of the audience appeared to be unconscious, but this was likely due to swooning.

Ten billion out of ten.

An that goes without saying, because Flatley did everything for this film. He must be named in every single credit in the film, as this was a passion (aka Vanity) for the actor.

After his fiancée is burnt to death by terrorists, Victor Blackley leaves the. Secret agent society The Chieftains and seeks to dull his pain by opening a club in the Caribbean.

Yet he is drawn back to his old life when philanthropist Blake Molyneux arrives with a hidden agenda, and someone he knew from a long time ago....

I'll say from the beginning that this film is absolutely dreadful from start to finish. Flatley must have the biggest ego going, because here, he has the best outfits, the nice car, women throwing themselves at him, and he can beat people up as good as he can dance. But, if you step outside of the box and watch it from a different angle, there is a lot of fun to be had.

The first ten minutes isn't part of the film, it's a behind the scenes documentary about a tormented Flatley looking at a grave, which is his metaphorical movie career.

We even get Seasoned Actor Patrick Bergen utter the line (I'm afraid of what he's going to do next). Oh and Flatley can wear a hat tipped hat like no one's business.

Flash forward and Mike has his own bar in the Caribbean, and this does not rip off Casablanca or James Bond at all. All is well in Mikes life until a new guest come to the hotel, and he has the intention of selling some sort of maguffin that could kill millions of people.

Newcomer Eric Roberts is fantastic in his role, and he is a talent to look out for. He oozes some sort of agitation. He bangs on tables quite loud, and makes people jump off boats, the dirty rotter.

Then it's time for the final action set piece, which takes place behind a van, which obscures it for the viewer, it almost feels like a sitcom at this stage, and then Flatley gets the immortal line 'Shall we dance?' before the thrilling final shootout, which again becomes obscured thanks to some awful camera work and and an awful cutaway......the man wrote this.

So that's it, Blackbird vanished without a trace in the cinema, I was the only one in my screening, and it was a very large theatre too.

Expect this to come up in many bad films of all time lists.

But I enjoyed it for all the wrong reasons...

I watched this film on line a few days ago and really struggled to watch it all the way through, though I did spend some of the time playing a card game on my phone.

It is essentially a series of poorly executed cliches more stolen than 'based upon' old movies. The acting ranges from disinterested to awful and the experience left me surprised that I couldn't even laugh at it. Just bad.

I note that 5 reviews award it 10/10. Mmmm. I quite liked the Austin Powers movies, but I hadn't realised they were masterpieces until I half-watched this.

I hadn't realised until afterwards that Mr Flatley had produced this as a sort of 'vanity project', but that does go some way to explaining the inexplicable heroism and misogynism on display here.