A man known only as El Viejo (Sizemore) is a crime boss of some sort. He's so high up the food chain, he spends all his time in an outdoor junkyard/trailer park where he conducts his business. He waves around a gun and a book and yells at people. Vet Jones (Mikita) and his son, appropriately named Junior (Mentry) are father and son hitmen. Junior was supposed to assassinate a woman named Isabella, AKA "The Target" (Fox),but didn't finish his mission.

So Vet Jones goes on "One Last Job" to get The Target, but sees what's really going on, and he doesn't like it. He tries to change the (Assassin's) Game but then finds that that entails a lot of kick-punching and gun-shooting. Now Vet Jones has to save Isabella and Junior, all the while having to contend with the ultimate wrath of El Viejo - can he do it? And what does the mysterious woman known only as "The Bodyguard" (Ling) have to do with all this? (We just checked our Spanish-American dictionary and we've just been informed that El Viejo means "The Old". It's also a principality in Nicaragua.



The thing about Assassin's Game (not to be confused with Assassin's Run) is that it's just too stupid to hate. Most people would probably find its rock-bottom budget, 21st century DTV aesthetic, utterly mindless and sometimes grating dialogue, mind-numbing "plot" and dodgy acting off-putting. But Assassin's Game pulls off a neat trick: each five seconds that passes is progressively dumber than the previous five.







On the plus side, it is shot clearly and everything can be seen well. On the minus side, do we want to see what we're seeing? For example, there is plenty of slo-mo on display. Fine. So far, so Chance Boudreaux. But then every time people fire their guns, we get those godforsaken CGI muzzle flashes that are so annoying to see. Whether they be in slo-mo or regular mo, why dwell on the fact that your muzzle flashes are so awful looking? It boggles the mind.



In the cast department, at least they managed to rustle up some good people. Sizemore almost single-handedly maintains the audience's waning interest. Thank goodness he hams it up and chews scenery like he does. If he didn't, we'd really be in dullsville.

Unfortunately, there are some long stretches where he's nowhere to be seen. Enter "Grand Master" Mark Mikita, who could easily pass for the stunt double for Matthew McConaughey. Was Matt Mullins not available? Nevertheless, we can say without a doubt that he has the raw charisma and animal magnetism of Joe Gates. Or maybe Jay Gates.



Bai Ling seems to exclusively dwell in this zone of z-cinema, and she's usually up to something interesting, or at least silly. Vivica A. Fox doesn't get to do all that much, so the female fighting falls to Melissa Mars as Ruby. But Ling does say the classic line "we got company!" It's in many action movies, so why not this one?



We would say it all ends with the time-honored Final Warehouse Fight, but most of what we've just seen takes place in a warehouse, so then the filmmakers probably felt they should finish things off with a Final Field Fight. It's really more of a showdown, but why split hairs? Said filmmakers should probably realize that audiences are capable of more than they're given credit for.



In the end, Assassin's Game is disposable and not recommended. We've seen far worse, but, let's face it, it's pretty dopey and half-witted. Like we said before, we don't hate it, but it did make us long for the 80's-early-90's glory days of DTV.

When I sat down in 2021 to watch the 2015 movie "Terms & Conditions" (aka "Assassin's Game"),it was because the movie had Bai Ling and Vivica A. Fox on the cast list. However, both of them were not really all that much part of the movie.

Instead I was treated to a dubious action movie starring Mark Mikita, whom I have no idea who is and also have Tom Sizemore as the main bad guy. Yeah, it wasn't exactly top of the line material here.

The storyline in "Terms & Conditions" was simple. Actually it was so simple to the point of the movie being a mundane and pointless one actually. Can't really say that that writer was delivering super great material for the actors and actresses to work with. And director Anoop Rangi didn't really deliver an outstanding movie.

And the characters in the movie were one-dimensional, flaccid muppets milling about without offering much of any personalities, backstories, and the like. And they were portrayed with a lack of conviction and gusto.

Yeah, the writing for this movie was just altogether poor and fairly bad.

While I managed to sit through the entire movie, I wasn't really entertained by the movie. And if you enjoy action movies, this is hardly a movie that I would recommend you waste your time, money or effort on. Some of us did so you don't have to.

My rating of "Terms & Conditions" settles on a mere three out of ten stars. It was a random and pointless action movie at best. If you enjoy action movies, then there are far better movies out there.

1-10, eh? Is a minus rating possible here?

I always try to keep an open mind when viewing a new film, even if going in I know it's going to be somewhere below the bottom of the barrel.

OK . . . I'll confess, my only motivation for even attempting to endure this trainwreck in the making was to watch Bai Ling do her thing.

I LOVE Bai Ling, she is such an unusually interesting character (and amazingly beautiful). Even if she is just running around blasting away with a giant machinegun . . . in stiletto heels . . . I mean really, how can anyone beat that???

As for the aforementioned trainwreck (oops, I meant film production),one would have to search far and wide, throughout the annals of film history to come up with anything that even remotely approaches this level of attempted filmcraft at its absolute worst.

Oh, but wait . . . there IS just such an example. For anyone who may be familiar, that unique distinction has, for decades, been the supreme domain of "Plan 9 from Outer Space". Yup, that has traditionally been the extreme milestone of filmcraft at its lowest possible ebb (and believe me, I've seen more than my share of contenders for this dubious distinction).

But, as is inevitable, even the lowest of the low must fall from their 15 femto seconds of infamy, and let the new contender take the title. And that fabulous moment of infamy goes to . . . (drum roll, please) . . .

Assassin's Game!

So, get an adult beverage (or whatever your pleasure might be),gather a few comrades, and get ready for perhaps the most spectacular example of unintended comedy to violate a screen in recent memory.

As for Bai Ling . . .

You are beautiful, a rare joy and very fun to watch.

I don't know who talked you into this film fiasco (maybe you should be looking for a new agent . . . just sayin').

But no worries. You have had much better material in the past, and no doubt will in the future.